More Ways Uber Riders Earn Less Than 5.0 Stars: Gangbanging, Harassment, “What’s this jazz sh*t?”, and More!

May, 2019 (4.96 rating, 8,717 lifetime trips completed) 

Earning 5 stars isn’t difficult for you.  I award a “5” to most riders because you’re paying for the service.  Some helpful hints follow on how to maintain a “5”, especially now that Uber will deactivate accounts of poorly-rated riders.

1. If you flash gang signs or ask your Uber driver if he’d like to do a drive-by to shoot up your rival gang, you’re something less than a Five-star rider.

2. Blatant disrespect.  I’m not an ego guy and I don’t need you to talk to me.  But, a nasty demeanor hurts.  The rare rider who doesn’t so much as say hello or goodbye- as if mine already was one of the autonomous cars Uber plans- is at risk of perhaps a “4”.

3. Harassing other riders is wrong.  This occurs on some Pool rides.  Some male riders ask female co-riders out, sometimes in non-subtle ways.

At 4AM, on a Pool in the working class suburb of Cicero, a woman sat in back.  We stopped at the 54th/Cermak Pink Line mass transit station.  A man got in and immediately directed what charm he had at the woman.

“Hey, you headin’ home or you still up for partying?”

She sighed.   “I’m tired.  I’m headin’ home.”

The man said, “Are you sure?  You could come party at my place.  I got drinks.”

“No, I’m really tired.”

“Oh, you could come by for just a bit.  I got drinks and we can have a good time partying.”

“No, thanks.”

I attempted to small talk to break the conversation flow, but he was relentless.  His stop was a mere two minutes away.  When I stopped, he hung halfway out the door, pleading with the woman.  “Why don’t you come in and party?  I got money.  I can get you an Uber home when we’re done.”

“No, thanks.”

He earned a bad rating for hassling the woman and slowing the ride with his last minute pleading.  Women can harass men (yes, it’s happened in my car) and men can harass men.

3.  Making weird, adversarial conversation.  I am very careful about where conversation goes.  If our small talk veers into orange talk (Trump), something’s gone wrong.  Only in a few instances have I given “4” stars for wackiness.  I picked up a bartender from a fancy new restaurant in Hyde Park.  I asked about the place and commented on Hyde Park’s burgeoning restaurant scene.  He sighed and said, “This prosperity is an illusion.  When the next recession hits, it will all blow up.”  So far, so good, a reasonable statement, although veering toward the dreaded political.  He kept talking, “The capitalist economy is based on exploitation and borrowed money.”  On and on he went.  “When the next recession hits, I think the 99% will finally wake up.  They’ll be marching on the mansions and pulling the billionaires out and beheading them on their lawns!”  He wasn’t joking.  He continued with talk about the virtues of socialism over capitalism.  I didn’t argue, but I didn’t agree, and I think he gave me a “1” because my rating immediately dropped.  I gave him a “4” for advocating violent revolution.

A white woman from the North Side- a world away from Chicago’s dangerous hoods- launched a verbal manifesto about how the gangs “at least are making something of themselves”.  She said they weren’t destructive like our “consumerist white society” and were “real”.   Her odd theory of good gangbangers and bad everyone else continued.  I rated her “4” for conversational imbecility.

4. I am liberal about your attire, but if you reek of alcohol or marijuana or horrible BO, you might get a “4.”  Gyms have showers for a reason, hint hint.

5. Bringing open containers of alcohol in my car and arguing that it’s okay because it’s for them, not me.  The local police beg to differ.  It also violates Uber policy.

6. “Hey, dude, got an aux cord?”  No, I don’t want to add your phone to my Bluetooth on our five minute ride so you can choose the music.  There’s a weird inverse correlation between length of ride and how people demand their music.  I listen to almost anything, but am not a fan of misogynistic hip hip, which is usually what they want.

One drunk woman yelled at the song “Listen” by Chicago playing on my Spotify.  “Your music is dreadful!”   The song is critically-acclaimed but not what some of the younger set want.  I skipped it, but not to her hip-hop.  Fair enough, but insulting the music and- by extension- me puts you below a “5”.

On another late night ride of drunks, a man climbed in the front seat while his girlfriend and her friends got in back.  No romance in the air for that couple, apparently.  My Spotify played “Take Five” by Dave Brubeck“, the most famous jazz tune of all time.  Did he appreciate the masterful tune?

“What’s this jazz sh*t?” he blurted out.  His girlfriend, at least, apologized.  Many riders compliment the classic jazz songs like “Take Five” or “‘Round Midnight.”  I know it’s not for everyone, but at least be subtle in asking me for something different or, better yet, don’t try to take over the radio on your five minute ride home.  If you ask nicely, I will switch to a Spotify channel like “Rap Caviar” and set it on random play for the duration of our ride.

An odd white guy once pulled out a compact disc.  Uh-oh.  “This is my reggae CD, can we play it?”  I let him play the first two songs.  The first started promising with plausible reggae music, then, the downhill roll: his voice.  His voice was tinny and whinny- not good for music, but it especially didn’t work for reggae.  He let me keep the CD.  Did I give him a low rating?  No, I gave him a “5”; old white aspiring reggae artists need all the help they can get.

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