Should Uber Drivers Ask Riders for Dates?

Four twentysomething riders entered my Uber on Chicago’s South Side, scented of alcohol.  As my Honda’s digital clock showed 3:00AM- now Sunday morning- they chattered.  I heard, “What about the driver?”

One lady, the leader, asked me a few random questions about music and whatnot.  Her friends whispered and giggled.

She said, “Have you ever had sex with a black woman?”  Her friends blurt out laughter.

***

Riders- always male- sometimes ask if Uber drivers get dates.  It seems to be common knowledge it sometimes happens.  One group of guys told a story of an Uber driver friend who hooked up later with his passenger.  One woman even told me, in general terms, she gave a, shall we say, most generous tip to a driver- in the Uber.   General interest magazines profile couples who met in a Lyft or Uber, sometimes Pool passengers, sometimes driver and rider.

It ranks with the great questions of our time- like differentiating rockers Panic! At The Disco from rockers Fall Out Boy or who lost the dot in band name Portugal. The Man?  Should Uber drivers ask out their riders?  Should Uber riders ask out their drivers?

My advice: swipe left on Uber passengers.  You may be smoother than Lake Michigan, but, you will make riders uncomfortable.  All the more so if you’re a man.  Male riders shouldn’t ask out their drivers, either.

Imagine you’re a female rider.  You’re tired after work or the bars; perhaps you’re half drunk.  You’re vaguely aware of stories of sexual assault in taxis and ride-sharing services.  You settle into an Uber.  The male driver might even be kind of cute, he might be sort of witty.  Perhaps you enjoy a few minutes of small talk about the weather or sports.  Perhaps he says ‘hi’, you say ‘hi’ and bury your head in your iPhone and pay him no mind.  It’s dark outside and you’re not quite sure where you are exactly- you see cityscape out the window- as he drives you home.

Then, he says something like, “You’re pretty; can I have your number?”  Or he uses some lame pick-up line.  Even worse, he says something suggestive about your body- a comment about how flattering your top is on you.  You’re creeped out.  You aren’t interested and you’re wondering why he thought you would be.  Maybe he’s bold and asks every woman for her number.

You think fast and say, “Uh, my boyfriend wouldn’t like that.”  He murmurs something and keeps driving.  Will he give you a 1 rating at the end of the ride?  He keeps sneaking looks at you in the rearview mirror.  Where are you?  Out the window, you see gas stations, a McDonalds, apartment buildings; you could be most anywhere.  Thank God you have your phone.  Even though it’s only at 3% after a night in the clubs.  He controls the car.  The automatic locks are probably on.  If he gets weird, you’re his captive.  Yes, Uber has a panic button in the app, but, the police might be too late.

Dear Lyft Uber driver, it’s not professional to ask your rider for her number.  More important, your rider is in your control during the ride.  Do not underestimate the probability your female rider has been threatened by men before, perhaps assaulted in her past.  This isn’t a bar she can step away from.  It isn’t a dating app.  She has no way out.  Just because she small talks with you doesn’t mean she wants to sleep with you, especially not now.

If you believe she likes you, think twice.  Science shows men overestimate women’s interest.  You may be certain the two minutes you spent talking about the traffic shows she is dying to have sex with you, but, she might only be friendly.

It reflects badly on Uber when the rider didn’t want the attention.  A female friend asked me about using Uber for the first time.   I guided her through how it worked.  She later told me her first ride went well, except that her driver asked for her number.

Uber and Lyft are an inefficient way to meet people, anyway.   If you want a date, go to Match or OKCupid or a bar.  On any given day of Uber, half your riders will be your gender, many will be nowhere near your age range, many will be preoccupied on their phone, or wearing a big wedding ring.  You could drive for days without any credible prospects so keep the dating part separate.

***

The young women in my Uber laughed and goaded on the leader.  She asked more uncomfortable leading questions.  Not that she wasn’t fairly attractive, she was.  But, it was 3AM, I was busy adding Uber rides to hit my weekend numbers before I was too tired to keep driving, they had been drinking, and we were in a rather unsafe area of the city.  She might be joking and a driver who expressed interest might then piss her off.  Drunk people don’t always act sensibly.  Drunk people may change their mind.  Drunk consent isn’t really consent.

She said, “We’re going to a party.  Would you like come with and get a blowjob?”

Two of her friends gasped; one laughed.  I probably turned ruby red; in my 5,000+ Uber rides, no one else asked that.  I chuckled and didn’t answer.  I was in a bad spot; rejecting her advances might annoy her and earn me a bad driver rating.  A one rating for declining oral sex, that might be an Uber first.

When I dropped them off at a house, the only one lit up on the street, the three friends piled out with mocking byes.  A music beat pounded from the residence.  The leader stepped out and turned to me.

“Hey driver!” she said.  She pulled her top and bra up, exposing her breasts in the cool night air.  Then, she scurried behind her friends to the house party.

***

Now, reimagine my story with the genders reversed.  Creepy.  Really creepy.  A driver- or rider- need not be explicit to freak people out.  The compressed space of the car makes an uncomfortable situation impossible to escape until the ride ends.

But, you say, I’m the most charming Uber/Lyft driver ever, women love me.  I bet you are.  The fact you’re a stud means you easily meet women wherever: bars, online, at funerals.  That fact also means you don’t need Uber to meet you.  Be a pro, instead, and focus on driving.

Any time men and women are thrown together, sure, sparks might fly.  You might vibe over small talk.  You might have an alma mater in common, a shared love of gardening or pit bulls or Impressionist Art.  My advice, though, is let the rider take the initiative.  Women often fell empowered and, if she’s into you, she might ask for your number or offer you hers.  Let her have control because you control the spatial dimensions of the Uber ride.

It appears there’s an innocuous way women may try for future communication.  Several times a ride with some pleasant banter ended with the female rider saying they enjoyed the ride and would like to request me in the future.  They ask for a contact number or give you theirs.  Everyone knows you can’t request a specific Uber driver.  Perhaps that’s their way of signaling interest.  Clever riders will figure out a way to signal to you.  The one and only time I asked an Uber rider for her number was in my first month or two of driving for Uber.  After a ride full of pleasant conversation, I stopped the car in front of her place and the female rider stayed to chat for another 10 minutes.  I figured, correctly, she was interested because who would chill in an Uber after the ride?  We had a few dates.  Hanging in the car ten minutes after the end of the ride signaled interest.  That’s be quite different than a driver who, mid-ride, figures a pause at a stoplight is a good time to make dinner plans with his rider.

Women will let you know if they’re truly interested.  A few times a rider made this obvious, but, I was working on a relationship or just not interested.  Recently, I drove a woman past the Devon Avenue strip full of Indian and Pakistani restaurants.  As we turned onto her street, she asked from the backseat, “Have you ate at any of them?”

“Yes, at least once.  It was excellent.”

“I live less than a mile away, but I never tried them.  What is Indian food like?”

“Very spicy, but tasty and healthy with balsamic rice and vegetables.  You said you’re Mexican; you’d probably like how spicy it is.”

She laughed.  “Where do you live?”

I told her the neighborhood which is on the other side of the city.

After a sigh, she said, “Too bad you’re so far, because I’d like you to take me to one of those restaurants sometime.”

I wasn’t expecting that and didn’t have a quick comeback like, “Thanks, I’m flattered, but I’m in a relationship.”  Instead, I said, “Uh, thanks for riding and have a good night.”

She stepped out, waved farewell and that was that.

While a mellow way of showing her interest, it still was uncomfortable.  Did I get a 1 or 2 rating for turning her down?  That said, it’s far better for the rider to take the lead.  If she’s interested, she’ll find a way to signal you.